how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
