I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize