I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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