Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
