I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
