I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
