Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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