Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
