Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
