Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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