so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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