You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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