If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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