My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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