Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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