I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize