It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
