I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
