NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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