You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
