He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
