i don't like sucking hair
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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