i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
