It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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