On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
