I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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