I have demons in me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
