I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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