i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
