There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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