Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
