Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
