life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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