That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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