Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
