note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize