My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
