I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
