I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
