So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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