neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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