the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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