3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
