im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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