I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
