i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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