I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
