my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
