i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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