She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
