It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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