I hate your face
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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