somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
