one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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