we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
