Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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