currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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